My parents didn’t believe in
rewards and punishments. Their parenting style didn’t include both these
“techniques”. They treated achievers and non-achievers (in academics) alike. My
dad’s focus was on making sure his children were happy at the end of the day. At
home, there was transparency in all matters. Our parents trusted us (three
daughters), and we (unknowingly) never misused that trust. Our neighbours’
practices were exactly the opposite. This was back in the 70’s and 80’s, when
growing up in Trichy in South India.
Thirty years later, I had my
children when we were living in California. Any trip to the neighbourhood park or
the playschool or a grocery store or a birthday party was an assault on my
understanding about parenting. Every few seconds I got to hear some parent or
the other saying “good job” and I cringed every time I heard that. They were good-jobbing every move of the
child. I noticed that good-jobbed kids were not entirely free and they were
constantly checking what their parents’ reaction to their behaviour was. My initial response to this was “THIS IS NOT
RIGHT”.
But then, I was in a foreign land and I couldn’t clearly articulate what
was wrong. Soon after Abhi had started
kindergarten, he became defiant. After a long period of confusion and conflict, I succumbed to the techniques
of good-job, 1-2-3, star charts, time-outs etc. Like with any other band-aid solutions, the effect
of these techniques was temporary. Dev was urging me to take a deeper look at
the issues at hand. Fortunately, around this time, I chanced upon Alfie
Kohn’s “Unconditional Parenting” at a friend’s place. She was then into “The Magic
of 1-2-3”. She gifted me Kohn’s book since she found no use for it.
I fervently read the book, cover to cover. Dev and I watched some of Kohn's speeches on
youtube. His critical outlook
appealed to me right away. It helped me reconnect with the parenting style that
I was once used to. All of a sudden, things just dawned on me. Basically, rewards and
punishments are two sides of the same coin. Both are behaviour-manipulating
tools. And it didn’t feel right to manipulate the behaviour of kids to suit our
purpose. Also, the joy of learning or doing something is taken away by praising
the learner/doer who ends up learning/doing things JUST to win rewards from us.
It was painful to acknowledge the mistakes I had made and the damage I had
inflicted on my kids. But it had to be done before it was too late.
Since I had received
unconditional parenting myself, I found it natural to latch on to it and be the
giver this time. There have certainly been hiccups. But, I have stayed on this
track which has helped us cultivate and enjoy a beautiful, trusting, joyous relationship.
There are many speeches oh Kohn
on youtube. These are some of his insightful articles:
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