Very often I see parents who talk about their kids, in their presence, quite oblivious of what impact such talk might have on them. I address this aspect of parental behavior here in this post. The idea of this exercise is to look at such talk from the perspective of a child who is listening to her parents' remarks about her. To a lot of parents the contents of this post would be obvious, so this is clearly not directed towards them.
Incident 1: A dad came in with his five year old wanting to discuss homeschooling. He said things like "my son is just five, but knows the English alphabet already", "He is a fast learner", "His learning is just amazing"r, "He is very naughty. He will take up all your time, you have to constantly monitor him".
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Incident 2: The parents of these two little girls were interested in talking about farming and global issues. When we got around to talking, the girls found their way to the piano that was in the living room. I was going to tell the little ones to make sure they played it softly to allow us to talk, but the mom pre-empted me with a smile and helpless voice, saying "Oh! once they start playing they won't stop and also it would be so loud that we can't talk".
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Incident 3: This mom came with her three year old who gets to see her dad only during the weekends. During one of the conversations the mom, with the child right next to her, said to me "She really misses her dad. She often wishes her dad could be there to play with her".
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Incident 4: When a city-dwelling family with an eight year old boy was visiting us, I suggested to my kids to take their new friend to get milk from our milk lady. The walk was hardly 100 meters. They had to cross a not-so-busy village road. The mom immediately intervened saying, "Oh, my son shouldn't go. He doesn't know how to walk on roads. He will hurt himself in the traffic." Having observed this eight year old for a day, I didn't think that the mom's statement was true. Nevertheless we dropped the idea.
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Incident 5: A three year old that visited us was having a very good time playing here. When it was time for him and family to leave, the mom said (right where the child was playing), in an exasperated manner "now comes the difficult part. He wouldn't quit playing and won't get ready to leave" .
Observant parents know that children are tuned in to their parents' conversations whenever they are in earshot. This happens regardless of whether the kids are seemingly engrossed in other activities. Now I want to revisit each of the above examples and look at them from the concerned child's perspective. Although we don't of course know what the child is actually thinking, it is still worth looking at about what the child might be thinking.
Incident 1: This five year old may now think, "My dad thinks I am very smart. I got to be smart. I learned the English alphabet so quickly". Now if, in future, this child wants to learn something and he can't learn it quickly then he may have a contradiction in his mind, since his dad had already declared him to be a fast learner. Would he, at that point, decide to pursue his learning and modify his identity from being a "fast learner" to a being "slow learner" and continue his learning? Or would he give up learning that particular skill that is challenging his given identity as a "fast learner"? Regarding his "naughtiness", the child senses the implicit giving up of parental authority in his dad's voice and has no reason to modify his (mis)behavior.
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Incident 2: When the little girls heard their mom say "once they start they won't stop and also it would be so loud that we can't talk", at least I wasn't surprised that they followed through meeting the mom's expectation.
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Incident 3: It is possible that the child missed her dad. But often when little kids are having fun, they tend to to live in the present moment. They are not thinking about other things. Was it instead the mom who missed her husband? When I brought this up later with the mom, she admitted that she missed her husband during the week and possibly projected that feeling on to the child. So now, was the child carrying a feeling that wasn't necessarily a felt experience for her?
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Incident 4: If this is something the eight year old hears often, at least some part of him would have to deal with his non-existent inability to walk on the roads.
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Incident 5: Again here, from the child's perspective, the mom has verbally given up her parental authority. Would the child then feel the need to comply to the mom's request?
Once we start paying close attention, there are countless examples like these. The potential danger in these cases is that the kids' identities are created by the adults around them. Can we let the children form their self-identities on their own, based on their own experiences over an extended period of time?
Incident 1: A dad came in with his five year old wanting to discuss homeschooling. He said things like "my son is just five, but knows the English alphabet already", "He is a fast learner", "His learning is just amazing"r, "He is very naughty. He will take up all your time, you have to constantly monitor him".
*
Incident 2: The parents of these two little girls were interested in talking about farming and global issues. When we got around to talking, the girls found their way to the piano that was in the living room. I was going to tell the little ones to make sure they played it softly to allow us to talk, but the mom pre-empted me with a smile and helpless voice, saying "Oh! once they start playing they won't stop and also it would be so loud that we can't talk".
*
Incident 3: This mom came with her three year old who gets to see her dad only during the weekends. During one of the conversations the mom, with the child right next to her, said to me "She really misses her dad. She often wishes her dad could be there to play with her".
*
Incident 4: When a city-dwelling family with an eight year old boy was visiting us, I suggested to my kids to take their new friend to get milk from our milk lady. The walk was hardly 100 meters. They had to cross a not-so-busy village road. The mom immediately intervened saying, "Oh, my son shouldn't go. He doesn't know how to walk on roads. He will hurt himself in the traffic." Having observed this eight year old for a day, I didn't think that the mom's statement was true. Nevertheless we dropped the idea.
*
Incident 5: A three year old that visited us was having a very good time playing here. When it was time for him and family to leave, the mom said (right where the child was playing), in an exasperated manner "now comes the difficult part. He wouldn't quit playing and won't get ready to leave" .
Observant parents know that children are tuned in to their parents' conversations whenever they are in earshot. This happens regardless of whether the kids are seemingly engrossed in other activities. Now I want to revisit each of the above examples and look at them from the concerned child's perspective. Although we don't of course know what the child is actually thinking, it is still worth looking at about what the child might be thinking.
Incident 1: This five year old may now think, "My dad thinks I am very smart. I got to be smart. I learned the English alphabet so quickly". Now if, in future, this child wants to learn something and he can't learn it quickly then he may have a contradiction in his mind, since his dad had already declared him to be a fast learner. Would he, at that point, decide to pursue his learning and modify his identity from being a "fast learner" to a being "slow learner" and continue his learning? Or would he give up learning that particular skill that is challenging his given identity as a "fast learner"? Regarding his "naughtiness", the child senses the implicit giving up of parental authority in his dad's voice and has no reason to modify his (mis)behavior.
*
Incident 2: When the little girls heard their mom say "once they start they won't stop and also it would be so loud that we can't talk", at least I wasn't surprised that they followed through meeting the mom's expectation.
*
Incident 3: It is possible that the child missed her dad. But often when little kids are having fun, they tend to to live in the present moment. They are not thinking about other things. Was it instead the mom who missed her husband? When I brought this up later with the mom, she admitted that she missed her husband during the week and possibly projected that feeling on to the child. So now, was the child carrying a feeling that wasn't necessarily a felt experience for her?
*
Incident 4: If this is something the eight year old hears often, at least some part of him would have to deal with his non-existent inability to walk on the roads.
*
Incident 5: Again here, from the child's perspective, the mom has verbally given up her parental authority. Would the child then feel the need to comply to the mom's request?
Once we start paying close attention, there are countless examples like these. The potential danger in these cases is that the kids' identities are created by the adults around them. Can we let the children form their self-identities on their own, based on their own experiences over an extended period of time?
-- Hema
