Helplessness -- actively taught and learned

Here in this post I plan to address a key issue with modern day parenting in affluent families, whereby the kids are actively taught to be helpless.

First I will cite some scenarios from our village:

Cheenu, a four year old boy, accompanied his dad who was a labourer working on our house foundation. Any middle or upper class parent would find the construction site to be full of hazards for a child of his age -- foundation trenches, big stone piles, people hand-carrying big stones etc. Obviously, Cheenu's dad didn't think so; neither could he afford to. His family situation was such that Cheenu had to be brought to work if he is off from school. Though it was a hot day (38 deg C),  Cheenu was as cheerful in this site as you would find a small child playing in a park. After sticking with his dad initially, he started mimicking what the other adults were doing -- which was to hand-carry stones. He took his job seriously. He carried stones that were big for him and wouldn't pick up anything that was not challenging. I was feeling sorry for this child and tried offering him smaller stones. He simply ignored me and continued working. I understood much later the condescending nature of my behaviour towards Cheenu and his work. And since Cheenu was not conditioned yet, his response towards me was authentic even if it would be considered rude or impolite.

Shephards' kids (less than ten years of age) carry a sharp billhook, climb a tree, lop branches and haul them home to feed their cattle. This is part of their daily routine. They learn to use this sharp tool, manuver their way up the tree with the tool tucked into their pants on the rear side. Girls learn to cook on wood-burning stoves from the age of eight or so. It is not considered particularly dangerous. It is not uncommon to find little girls cook a meal for the entire family. These kids also go to school. Young kids are indispensable contributors in such families. 

Now, I will compare and contrast the above situations with "normal" middle or upper class families.

Barring a few exceptions, these children are overprotected. They typically don't get involved in household chores and hardly get a chance to use the fire or tools. They are assisted by the adults almost always and they are not expected to take on responsibilities.

Here are some excerpts from some of our interactions with affluent visitors from the city:

- This family came with their eight year old boy. I suggested to my kids to take their new friend to get milk from our milk lady. The walk was hardly hundred meters. They had to cross a not-so-busy village road.  The mom immediately intervened saying, "Oh, my son shouldn't go. He doesn't know how to walk on roads. He will hurt himself in the traffic." Having observed this eight year old for a day, I didn't think that the mom's statement was true.  Nevertheless we dropped the idea.

- This child was seven years old. I had made some boiled eggs for lunch. At the table, he was watching my kids eat their egg and was waiting for one of his parents to show up and peel one for him. When Abhi suggested that he can try to do it himself, he was quite surprised. Apparently this suggestion was never made before at his home! With a bit of help, he happily peeled the egg and ate it.

- This time it was a ten year old girl. Knowing that pomegranate was one of her favourites,  I offered one to her. With a perplexed look she said, "but I have never peeled a pomegranate before. can you please peel it for me?"  We helped her with the process and noticed that she was happy to do things for herself.

Now, my musings about this:
Time and again I have seen that small kids have a strong desire to participate in the adult world by doing what the adults are doing. Although they initially resist the conditioning to give up independence, they eventually do become helpless. Kids that are expected to be helpless are likely to grow up into adults with the same attitude. We once had a twenty-five year old visitor who couldn't wash his plate or glass since he didn't know how to use a scrubber!

In hunter-gatherer societies, kids get involved in real life. They start using knives and other tools from a very young age.  There are many examples of this in the book "The Continuum Concept" by Jean Liedloff. Evolutionarily speaking, it must have been very important for little children to learn life skills and become useful and independent. If not, he or she would be a burden on the migrating tribe.

Repeatedly I see evidences to conclude that children meet the expectations, whatever they may be, of the adults around them. Here is another post I wrote earlier on this topic.

-- Hema